Yossi Moskowitz’s oldest son, nine-year-old Tzvi, started asking for an allowance after some friends began getting it. Yossi himself never got an allowance growing up, and he is wary about starting this practice with his kids. On the other hand, he knows that chinuch may change based on new realities, and times have definitely changed since he was growing up.
Should children be given allowances? How about the cash they get from gifts or little jobs? Why or why not?
Different Families, Different Approaches
I recently conducted a LinkedIn poll about parents’ approaches toward giving kids their own spending money. The options were: 1. We give them an allowance; 2. No allowance, but kids can keep and spend cash gifts and work earnings (age appropriately); 3. No allowance, and we bank any cash gifts and earnings for them; and 4. Kids don’t get to keep their own money. While the bulk voted for option two, there was a healthy number in each of the other three categories. Obviously, the question of allowances and children’s spending money is not a clear-cut issue.
Back in the Day
In All for the Boss, Ruchoma Shain relates that even when she started working as a young adult, it was a given that she would hand over her earnings to her father. Her father would then give her a portion of the money for her weekly expenses and her mother would slip her a bit more for spending money. This was typical in prior generations, in which dependent children worked to contribute to the family income, and even gifts or sweets were few and far between. When a family could barely spare a few pennies, allowances were not a thing.
Teaching Responsible Spending Habits
Today, for the most part, money is much easier to come by, Baruch Hashem. Some argue that giving a child an allowance teaches them from a young age how to spend and budget responsibly. Rather than getting into an argument with Tzvi every time he wants a new tchotchke, Yossi can give him a set amount of money and tell him, “This is yours to spend on extras.” In this way, Tzvi will start to learn the value of money; if he wastes his fixed income on every gadget that catches his eye, he won’t have enough left to go out for ice cream with his friends.
Tzvi can even start to learn about long-term saving; he can choose to buy candy with the money right now or put it aside each week to save up for a scooter. (Some add that the allowance system gives parents some added leverage; if the child is not behaving properly, withholding the week’s allowance is a convenient, not-too-harsh punishment).
Does it Work, Though?
However, in practice, this learning experience often doesn’t work as expected. An allowance is, in essence, free money, and people don’t value free money. For a kid loaded with pocket money and knowing that more will be coming their way, it’s often easy come, easy go. So if a child is thirsty and their friend is offering a can of Coke for $10, they might just spend that money on the drink, learning nothing about the value of money in the process. Easy come, easy go.
Making the Allowance Conditional
Some families get around this freebie problem by making the allowance contingent on some sort of behavior. It might be performing certain chores around the house or getting a certain grade on their tests. By conditioning the allowance on accomplishment, the child feels that they worked for it and will value it more.
But paying kids to help out in the house is a questionable parenting choice too. If a child is paid to wash the dishes, put away the laundry, or rake the leaves, doesn’t that send a problematic message? As a member of a household, and out of basic hakaras hatov, children should be pitching in without expecting money in return.
Do Children Today Really Need It?
One can also make a convincing case that today, children have no need for an allowance to learn about budgeting. Kids have plenty of other ways to amass their own pocket money. Between gifts from grandparents, prize money earned in school and shul contests (especially for boys), and readily available jobs such as babysitting (especially for girls), our children can do pretty well for themselves without our weekly contribution. If kids are allowed to keep their gifts and earnings, an allowance seems like overkill in many cases.
Who’s in Control?
According to my abovementioned poll, giving allowances doesn’t seem to be a widely spread practice in the frum community, and some families don’t allow young kids access to any discretionary cash. Some parents keep their kids’ money- all their needs are paid for, after all. A larger group places all children’s gift money in savings or investment accounts, to be handed over after the child becomes independent. So Yossi probably has plenty of leeway to push back against Tzvi’s request.
On the flip side, a child may resent their parents’ unilateral approach. Not allowing him any control over money given to him can backfire in Tzvi’s future. One respondent to my poll compared it to a child who’s never allowed any sweets—once they are finally out on their own, they may well binge on every sugary junk food that they see. And if the child’s friends are treated to a very different standard, it can create some real family friction, especially for older kids.
Choshen Mishpat and the Fifth Chelek
Keep in mind, too, that there are halachic questions involved here. Ask your own she’eilah, but from what I understand, all of a dependent child’s work earnings are halachically the parents’ to do with as they see fit. Similarly, gifts given to kids under the age of bar or bas mitzvah are assumed to have been provided at the parents’ discretion. For those over bar mitzvah, it’s a bit more complicated—parents can’t unilaterally take a gadol/gedolah’s gifts, though they can force the child’s hand if they choose to. But as is often the case, standing on pure shuras hadin can create some unpleasant circumstances.
Finding the Right Way for Your Family
Seichel and thought are required. Ultimately, parents need to decide the approach toward money that works best for them and their children. They may even use different approaches with different children. A masmid yeshivah bachur may need to receive regular spending money from his parents, unlike his sister who’s building up a babysitting-business empire. Then again, maybe the masmid has minimal desire to spend while the sister’s group of friends is always going out for ice cream. And some girls may refuse to work and earn money if they can’t spend any of it. No one ever said chinuch is simple. Consult with your moreh derech as needed and daven for siyata d’Shmaya.
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